NO ONE’S BORN VIOLENT

No one's born violent

In the fall of 1946, a boy was born into an unstable and abusive family. His mother was a teenager, a single parent who relied on her parents to raise her child. The boy’s grandfather was abusive, and grandmother mentally erratic. By the time he was in middle school, the boy began to display disturbing behaviour patterns. As a teenager, he was charged with larceny and fraud. At 27, he committed his first murder. In the following years, the boy, Ted Bundy, turned into a hardened criminal, who killed over 30 people before he was arrested and executed in 1989. Even after his death, his name haunts not only the victims’ families but the world at large.

Bundy’s violent streak stemmed from his disturbed childhood, where there was hardly any love and a whole lot of abuse. Even though young Bundy was good at academics and had enough work opportunities when he grew up, he remained aloof from society. While none of these factors can explain away the mercilessness with which he committed crimes one after another, it sure does explain the psyche of a violent person.

The first thing to understand about violence is that no individual is born violent. It is the grating circumstance that gives birth to it. Behavioural psychologists say, the absence of love and affection during childhood leaves a hole in the heart, which gets filled with hatred and angst. In her personal blog, US-based psychologist and independent forensic consultant Dr Kathryn Seifert explains, “Sometimes, the adjustment of a few factors such as establishing a close relationship with a supportive adult, receiving pro-social peer encouragement, or getting protection from a violent family, is what makes the difference between whether a person becomes a violent offender or a mentally-stable contributing member to society.”

A recent WHO study reveals that domestic violence affects approximately one in every three women world over, which is more than a quarter of women’s population in the world.

This being said, not every violent person ends up a coldblooded murderer. Sometimes, violence manifests itself in forms less severe, yet equally scarring. Incidents of brutality occurring in households or on the streets may not lead to homicide, but they just as well can destroy families and societies.

Strong family ties shape an individual. But at times, an inharmonious family becomes the weak link leading to violence, such as domestic violence. A recent WHO study reveals that domestic violence affects approximately one in every three women world over, which is more than a quarter of women’s population in the world. Dr Lisa Firestone, Director of Research and Education for The Glendon Association, has dedicated her career to studying domestic violence and the reasons behind it. Explaining its root, she writes, “There are two emotional dynamics that contribute greatly to domestic violence. One involves a destructive thought process that abusers experience both toward themselves and their partners. The other factor involves a harmful illusion of connection between a couple… that feeds into a sense that another person can make you whole and is responsible for your happiness.”

Violence can find people anywhere. Sometimes at home, other times on the streets. It just takes a misguided individual acting on a whim or out of pure resentment. “Hateful beliefs such as racism, anti-Semitism, and misogyny allow whole groups to be dehumanized. The more any group is misunderstood, the more the unknown can fuel fear and misunderstanding. Fear and misunderstanding can lead to hateful words and violent behaviours,” explains Dr Bruce D Perry, Senior Fellow of the Child Trauma Academy, in his blog.

Respect for one’s own life and that of others is the starting point of changing violent behaviour. “People can learn more about other religions, cultures, and worldviews. Prevent degrading, humiliating, or bullying behaviours. Don’t laugh at jokes that use hateful ideas—and certainly don’t repeat them,” says Dr Perry.

Violence impacts not only the person who is subject to it but also those who inflict it upon others. Eventually, it affects the society, as a whole. The effect of violence may envelop communities and societies, but its cause lies within the individual. And, it boils down to the individual’s choices and actions. It is about making the right choice, even if it is the harder choice to make; it is about waging a war with the inner demons, until the calm quells the noise within.

ARE YOU TAKING THINGS FOR GRANTED?

Harry wakes up, white light piercing through his eyes. With difficulty, he tries to look around, but he can’t. It is as if he is bathed in numbness. He tries not to panic and stay calm. But it is not easy to relax. After all, events from the previous day play constantly on his mind. The massive heart attack he suffered made him take note of life and its transience. Until that moment, he never appreciated what he had—the various gifts of life. Today, lying motionless in the hospital, he finds himself fighting for his dear life.

Harry here is but a fictional character. Yet, each of us might be able to relate to him directly or indirectly. Life is fleeting, and in a fraction of second, everything can change without a warning. This isn’t a revelation, but a well-known truth. Yet, the cruel irony is that we often take life for granted without the slightest fear that tomorrow we may not have all that we have today. Assuming our bodies would function well forever, we seldom pay attention to our health and wellbeing; as if there is ample time, we often put our lives on hold, not pursuing our cherished dreams; as if our loved ones will be always around, we hardly invest time in our relationships; taking our immediate surroundings for granted, we pollute and deplete natural resources, putting our own survival at risk.

Given the limited time we have on earth, we ought to be more grateful for life. But are we as grateful as we should be? More importantly, why aren’t we appreciative enough for the things around us? Social psychology experiment ‘Violinist in the Metro’ offers an insight. In this experiment, world-renowned violinist Joshua Bell wore everyday clothes and played in a corner of the Washington DC metro station during rush hours. Famous for playing complex pieces with tremendous ease, the violinist’s concerts always sell out and each ticket costs no less than a 100 dollars. But, when he played at the station, the outcome was different. Over a thousand passengers crossed paths with Bell that day without even noticing him or his performance. Only a handful of people stopped to listen. This experiment revealed something profound: we could very well overlook something remarkable for two reasons—one, because it is ubiquitous and hence seems familiar and commonplace, and two, because we are seldom mindful, living in the present moment.

So, what does this mean for us? Breaking out of the inertia of comfort and familiarity, the first step toward a life of appreciation is to acknowledge its importance in life. Soulveda brings you five simple approaches that can help make gratitude our second nature.

Being present in the present

When we consciously notice our lives and our external environment at every moment, we pay attention to the sights, sounds, fragrances and sensations that come our way and the emotions they evoke. We realise that every moment comes with a million things to be grateful for, and that life is about finding joy in the smallest of things—the smell of grass, the pitter-patter of rain, the beauty of a flower, or the playfulness of a puppy. Life gives us a million reasons to smile in the here and now, we only need to pay attention to them to fill our hearts with joy.

Blinded by negativity, we hardly acknowledge our own accomplishments and start taking everything good that comes our way for granted.

Generosity resides more in the spirit and the heart, not necessarily in the purse.

THE DANGERS OF REPRESSED EMOTIONS

“Your emotions make you human. Even the unpleasant ones have a purpose. Don’t lock them away. If you ignore them, they just get louder and angrier.” ― Sabaa Tahir

Every single day, we encounter stimuli in our external environment that trigger a mix of emotions within us. Some are positive, others are negative. Naturally, we welcome positive emotions because they make us feel good—variants of good. But when it comes to negative emotions, we rarely address them. As a matter of fact, we either suppress or repress them.

To better understand what ‘suppression’ and ‘repression’ mean, let’s take a simple example: Say, we’ve had the roughest of days at work, and at the end of the day, we get back to a messy home and an argument with the spouse that quickly escalates to an unwanted magnitude. It is, indeed, a negative stimulus and so, the negative emotion of anger stirs up within. In response, we could react in three probable ways: One, we could acknowledge our anger, and share it with someone, express it irrespective of how we are feeling. Two, sensing our rising anger, we could suppress it with the help of the classic mechanism of deep breaths, counting to ten. That would mean shifting our focus and glossing over the emotion. Three, we could repress our emotion.

Studies show that our subconscious mind, sometimes, represses the surge of negative emotions because it perceives them as harmful to our psychological wellbeing and self-image. According to the study Repression: Finding Our Way in the Maze of Concepts published by the National Centre of Biotechnology Information: “Repressive-defensiveness is characterized by a non-conscious avoidance of threatening information.” And so, a person with repressive tendencies is likely to remain sociable and cheerful, who rarely complain about their misfortune. Their self-image too is positive. However, when such a person encounters someone who discusses an emotional problem, they are inclined to quickly change the subject in an attempt to avoid dealing with negative emotions.

So, what is the right way to handle negative emotions, given there are various ways to deal with them? Responds clinical psychologist Dr Joy Bannerjee, “It is in our best interest to acknowledge our emotions and feel through them. The more we become receptive to a spectrum of emotions that surface from within us, the better we’d become, at not only acknowledging them but also at processing and expressing them.” When we shun away negative emotions—either by suppressing or repressing them, we only bury them alive. They fester until one day they emerge to cause greater damage.

The more we keep them buried, the more they surface. Letting them surface, airing them out is the only way to experience the much-needed catharsis.

According to an article published by Jefferson Myrna Brind Center of Integrative Medicine How Emotional Processes Affect Physical Health and Well-Being, pent-up emotions can deteriorate our overall wellbeing. They can adversely affect our immune system making us susceptible to physical illnesses; they can lead to somatisation—an unconscious process wherein emotional pain is converted into physical pain, and they can shorten the lifespan. The article states, “Freud uncovered links between repressed emotions and physical symptoms nearly one hundred years ago… Over 80% of all doctor visits involved a social-emotional problem, while only 16% could be considered solely organic in nature.”

Negative emotions can wreak havoc. The more we keep them buried, the more they surface. Letting them surface, airing them out is the only way to experience the much-needed catharsis. Let’s look at a few simple ways to address the complex layers of emotions:

Acknowledge them

Anger, jealousy, guilt or fear, the first step to deal with negative emotions lurking within is to acknowledge them. Judging emotions and labelling them as good or bad never helps. Emotions are just emotions, and there is nothing wrong in feeling them. The more we accept them for what they are, the more we can feel and process them.

Write about them

Writing is almost a cathartic experience, a seamless way to air out the intense and complex emotions we feel from time to time. A journal of emotions and connected thoughts is always a useful tool. Experts say the key lies in being as descriptive as possible about how we feel, and why we feel the way we do. The more we record our emotions and the thoughts that triggered them, the better we are likely to get at decoding our own psyche. The better chance we have at navigating through our own thoughts and process everything we feel.

Use them to fuel creativity

Strong emotions—both positive and negative—are often the greatest source of inspiration. Some of the best artistic and creative endeavours in history have emerged from tapping into the intensity of human emotions. Art, in any form, has the ability to reach into the recesses of the deepest of emotions. Emotions, when allowed to spur art, become the fuel for creativity.

SELECTING THE RIGHT MANAGERS

Selecting the right managers

An executive manager plays a very key role in the successful functioning of a company. His selection and appointment is a very important aspect for the growth of any organisation. Head-hunters and placement agencies provide resource and services for hiring the right kind of candidates. However, the parameters have to be set by the employer.

Kautilya, in his Arthashastra, gives us detailed guidelines on the selection of managers who are fresh management trainees, and also those how are experienced and need to be directly recruited for higher responsibilities.

Selection of management trainees

Book one, chapter five points out the various qualities to the tested by the human resource department, when it hunts for management trainees during campus interviews.

Kautilya says that a ‘trainable’ person is the one who has the following six qualities:

Desire to learn

Should be open minded. After learning all the theories of management, a trainee should be available to learn the practical side of it from seniors.

Effective listening ability

Listening is hearing ‘plus’ thinking. He should be able to understand what is being expected out of him from the organisation.

Ability to reflect

One should be able to think from all angles. Both logical and creative thinking is required in the field of management.

The true test of a good manager comes during crisis. He should be able to shoulder all the responsibilities and execute an immediate action plan.

“Your emotions make you human. Even the unpleasant ones have a purpose. Don’t lock them away. If you ignore them, they just get louder and angrier.” ― Sabaa Tahir

Selection of management trainees

Desire to learn

Effective listening ability

Ability to reflect

Ability to reject false views

Intent on truth not on person

Selection of experienced managers

Technical competence

Intelligence, perseverance and dexterity

Eloquence, Boldness and presence of mind

Ability to bear troubles during emergencies

Uprightness, friendliness and firmness of devotion in dealing with others

Strength of character